Shoepidity: The act of wearing ridiculously uncomfortable shoes just because they look good.
Ah, Shoes. How do I love thee. Let me count the ways. A woman’s love of shoes is a love as old as time. Since Cinderella found her true love by donning a glass slipper, and Dorothy clicked her heels together in a rocking pair of red sequin shoes; proof that shoes can change a woman’s life, shoes are not just a work of art but the mystical embodiment of all that is flattering and sexy. Shoes make the legs look longer and thinner; make the dress look smarter; match the handbag and belt; cause the female form to sway elegantly and the male to ruminate mightily as he watches her sashay down the hall. Shoes transform body language and lift a woman physically and emotionally.
The Chinese even went so far as to have the feet bound to make them smaller. The shoes were hand embroidered works of art. No matter how tall or short, light or heavy a woman may be, the right pair of shoes can make a woman feel like Jean Shrimpton, Elizabeth Taylor, Audrey Hepburn and Charlize Theron all rolled into one.
And the shoes in my closet, all 104 pairs, are very necessary and required for different occasions: high heels, mid-heels, mules, slingbacks, ballet flats, flip-flops, court shoes, deck shoes, water shoes, clogs, satin pumps, platforms, sandals, slippers, wedgies, stilettos, espadrilles, hirachis and ghillies. They say you are what’s on your feet so don’t be unstable, cheap and plastic.
My very favorite birthday card came from my darling and adorable husband Scott, and I keep it to remind me that I still have sex appeal that starts at my feet. The card begins “Happy birthday honey! No one else could fill your shoes” and inside: “The black ones. Not the black flat ones or the black sandals or the black heels. The black ones that kinda look like the other pair of black ones that you had before the last pair of black ones.” Then again, if the shoe fits, buy it in every color.
Sandals are the earliest known shoes; gladiators wore them. And they’ve made a comeback, just walk into any shoe department and there they are, albeit today they may be embellished with sequins. Sandals developed into thong sandals, which later developed into flip-flops. What woman can have a pedi without wearing flip-flops.
The oldest leather shoes were made from a piece of cowhide tied with a leather cord. Best guess is that the Indians came up with that one; they came up with moccasins too. Then there’s the iceman’s shoe, made of bearskin or deerskin, the forerunner of Uggs. Of course, more than cowhide leather, shoes can be made from various animals: ostrich, alligator, snakeskin, etc. One of my favorite blonde jokes has to do with shoes. “A blonde wanted a pair of alligator shoes but didn’t want to pay the high price so she decided to catch her own alligator and get the shoes for free. There she was, waist deep in water, with a gun in her hand, shooting alligators as they came toward her. There were a dozen on the banks, all lying belly up. She pulled up another one, flipped it on to its back and said ‘aw, heck, this one’s barefoot too’.”
Pattens (think Dr. Scholls on wedgies), were the predecessor of the modern high heel shoe, which became popular in Venice as a status symbol of wealth and social standing. My Stuart Weitzmans are the current higher and shinier example. I would hate for anyone to look at my shoes and say “oh, those look so comfortable.”
Remember when Steve Martin’s routine involved throwing his shoes at a lady and proclaiming “I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee”. How simple life would be, he said, if that was all it took. Turns out, that’s how the Arabs do it. I suppose which shoes I threw would constitute how much or how little I felt about the soon to be ex. 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man, but the other 60% would never disrespect their shoes like that.
And when my shoes needed repair, I knew this was the guy for me. The sign said:
I will heel you.
I will save your sole.
I will even dye for you.
