Ducks In A Row, or Gnat

This morning early I heard the ducks before I saw them, singing their road trip song in three part quacking harmony. I looked and there they were, peacefully perched atop the cove waters, the tides rhythmically pulling and tugging while they floated contentedly three deep, row on row. I turned away before the hunters in the duck blind blew their heads off with their shotguns. A sure sign of fall.  

Later that morning I drove into town to find all the telephone poles swaddled with bright and happy fat scarecrows. The shops’ doorways were festooned with pumpkins and jack-o-lanterns, bales of hay supported wooden baskets overflowing with shiny red apples and bumpy green and yellow gourds. Summer green had given way to fall’s russet, sepia, ochra.  The halloween witch mannequin had once again plowed into the telephone pole in front of the local tavern. That babe needs a GPS tracker, or at least glasses, and those striped knee socks are so last year.  

Coming home the roads were sparsely sprinkled with dead raccoons, squirrels and deer, while various carnivorse swooped over and around looking for a hearty dinner. There would be more bodies as October melded into November. So pretty, the harbringers of fall. 

Arriving home, the kitchen was filled with another reminder of fall. The freakin’ gnats. Gnats are not just gnats. Like all annoying creatures, there’s never just one, or one variety. No. There’s fungus gnats, eye gnats, gall gnats, sand gnats; don’t call them fruit flies. They are not fruit flies. Fruit flies leave, but not gnats. Gnats hover around moisture: eyes, ears, nose and mouth. And don’t even think of going outside; they fly around the shoreline and pond in huge sun covering swarms. You’ve seen them, people who look like crazies, running around and swatting the air around them, in fact are normal, but are being bombarded by the gnats buzzing around their heads. Foolishly walk into a swarm, and you’ve just swallowed dinner, or you’ve become dinner. They, in turn, are dinner to birds, bats, frogs, and larger insects. Frankly, I don’t care what they do outside the house; survival of the fittest, kill or be killed, etc. but inside, the house is my domain. Stay out of my house, dead gnat dead gnat dead gnat. 

Problem is, nothing stops them. Nothing, that is, except apple cider vinegar. I learned that filling a small bowl with apple cider vinegar, covering it with saran wrap and then punching little holes in the wrap is the perfumed siren song to gnats. The sweet-sour smell of vinegar intoxicates and they scramble to get closer to the bouquet. Once under the wrap, though, they can’t figure out how to escape, because they have tiny gnat brains. Ha ha ha ha!  Eventually they tire, fall into the vinegar and drown. A friend adds liquid soap to the mix for added assurance that they will stick to the liquid and die quickly, but I like to toy with them first. I swirl the dish around to catch the gnats that have not yet fallen into the vinegar while admonishing them to die. The next day they are all dead. Ah, lovely fall. Fall has come to Sherwood once again. 

British Car and Driver

Again, with the UK cars and drivers. We were most impressed with the iconic shiny black taxi cabs. The first time we hopped into one, giddy with excitement, we asked the driver about the lore surrounding the London cabbie and were told that yes it was all too true. In complete astonishment, we learned that it takes about three years to learn not just the names of all the streets but also the locations of thousands of pubs, theaters, shops, hotels and historic landmarks. There are 320 basic routes, about 25,000 streets within the basic routes and about 20,000 landmarks that are located within a six mile radius of Charing Cross.  Beyond impressive. Also, we were so thrilled, and relieved, to know that all we had to do was hail, hop and say “Harrod’s”. Certainly a contrast to the New York cabbies who can’t even speak English, much less find their way to the storied Waldorf without a specific address and a GPS. 

A small amount of inquiry led us to the answer of what the occasional zig zags on portions of the road were about; turns out they mean ‘no parking’. These markings are common throughout England and Australia. This of course led to the inevitable question -- why not simply mark ‘no parking’ on the road since England only recognizes one language, or paint the curb red.  After all, there are notes on the road saying ‘look left’ or ‘look right’, and isn’t red the universal color for no. Red lights, red octagon signs, red fire alarms, red capes, etc. However, since cars have been around longer than I have, I will not pursue this line of inquiry. 

Then again, why do the British continue to drive on the left side of the road. Henry Ford shifted the steering wheel to the left so that the ladies could alight without harm and with clean shoes after their gentlemen completed their drive on the right side of the road. Surprising that the British have not shifted sides since they are much more polite than Americans (sad but true). 

Another wonderful anomaly had to do with electric cars, which appear to be much more prevalent in the UK than in the US. While walking through Picadilly we encountered a lovely young lady who was plugging her small car into a street side electric outlet. When asked, she explained that her electric car required four hours of energizing once a week. Higher end cars, such as Porsches, could take as long as eight hours. She plugged in at the street because the home cost would be prohibitive, whereas street charging was on the government’s dime (which explains the VAT and myriad of other taxes). Of course it left one to wonder; what does she do for four hours one evening a week. She looked quite smart so my best guess is that she hailed, hopped and said “Harrod’s”.

Nonetheless, whether driving on the left or right side of the road, it cannot be argued that some of the most extraordinary cars originated in the UK. Rolls-Royce, Jaguar, MG, Bentley, Aston Martin . . . for the likes of Bond, James Bond, need I say more.