Gregory

Our house lizard, Gregory, made another appearance the other morning. Gregory is our colorful little lizard that has lived on the wall outside our front door, munching on the various bugs that ill advisedly land in our portico. But I noticed that he had left his garden condo and moved into our home. More specifically, I noticed that Grey, our cat, was playing with a new toy, happily chasing, pawing, and clawing what turned out to be Gregory. Closer inspection led us to discover that Grey had extracted, and now was playing with, Gregory’s tail, which was still twitching. Gregory was shaken that he was shorter but grateful to be still living.  We last saw Gregory being chased by Grey to the bottom edge of the stove and disappear between the cracks. We reminded Grey about her duties as a house cat. Grey took her duties seriously and stoically kept him under surveillance for a few days, not leaving the site other than to attend to her dietary needs.

However, morning arrived. We heard Grey mewing loudly in the living room, while parked at the edge of one of the chairs. As we watched, Gregory startled us with a cameo appearance, as our appearance did him; yes, we knew it was Gregory because the tail was missing, due to the previously acknowledged encounter with Grey after illegally entering the house. Unfortunately, the moment Grey made a move, Gregory high tailed it (pardon the pun) back under the chair. Grey remained vigilant. I wondered if there was something we could do to entice Gregory out from under the chair, or wherever else he may be inclined to move to, so that we could catch and release him back to his portico-garden home.

An email asked friends for recommendations on luring Gregory to the field. A flurry of responses ranged from preparing a bug salad to buying a skink. This last option alarmed me, considering all its ramifications. We could use the skink to rid ourselves of the lizard, but then how do we get rid of the skink. 30 day notice to vacate? The next step, we were told, was to find a mongoose.  And how should we find a mongoose to rid us of the skink? And what about Grey? Of course we knew where this was going. The mongoose falls in love with the cat and then it's the Capulets and the Montagues all over again. We decided that the best approach was the do nothing wait and see approach, with the caveat that all bets were off if Gregory advanced while we were in our beds. Scott kept the taser bracket nearby should such an event occur.

And it came to pass that last night, as I was preparing for bed, I saw that Gregory had found himself lollygagging around in Scott’s dressing room. I eeked and Scott came running with a metal bowl, which he then handed to me. Wait, what? I wasn’t going near poor Gregory. I was torn between alarm and pity for the tailless little thing. Scott manned up and plopped the bowl on top of Gregory. There we stood, flummoxed. What to do next. A number of post-grad degrees between us and yet there we stood, mystified, staring at a metal bowl in the midst of a dressing room. Scott suggested placing a couple of thick books on top of the bowl and letting the cairn sit for a few weeks. Inevitably, we had to nix the idea because the ensuing remains would leave a mark on the carpet; the cleaning ladies would revolt, not to mention Scott’s fastidious nature. The residual stain would be  a constant reminder of his walk on the dark side. Instead I placed a flat manila folder under the bowl, carried it to the great outdoors while Scott held the doors open and unceremoniously tossed Gregory on the lawn, leaving him bewildered but once again able to enjoy his life in the great outdoors, albeit without a tail.